Bad Day

I'm having a really tough time. Today is my anniversary and I am miserable. I am being attacked super hard. I have given in to all of my temptations this past week. I have not been the spending time with God as I should. I am just miserable. I need support. I have finally broken down and cried out to Jesus. I am praying to find a solution to a problem and not hearing anything. I know that what I feel about a situation is right but I don't know how to act on it. I have dealt with this problem for a long time but I don't know how work on it. I feel like everything I do is wrong. Sorry I have been posting. Thats it for now. Sorry for the vagueness. But I gotta go now.

A real attitude change

So lunch with my bosses and co-worker yesterday went pretty well. I ordered broiled haddock with squash and potatoes. Let me say, the Sole Proprietor is AWESOME! Anyway, I slowly ate my lunch and I took longer than anyone at the table. It was really hard because the haddock was falling apart and the squash and potatoes were both mashed so there wasn't much chewing I needed to do. Then I ordered cheesecake for dessert. Okay so now for the good and bad news. I finally felt my body tell me when I was done. Then I just kept eating because I didn't want to see a good (great) piece of cheesecake to go to waste. So I wasn't stuffed but I definitely over ate. I am happy however in the progress that I have made thus far.

Also, last night was my piano recital. Afterward, there was plenty of goodies. I had no urge for any of them (even the chocolate chip cookies!) but I did have a couples pieces of the veggie platter. I was very proud of myself. I then went home and had a small bowl of chicken noodle soup and one macaroon. I am very happy with the way that my attitude is changing.

Okay, so now I have another challenge tonight. I am looking forward to our prayer circle before eating because this will be a challenge for me. We are having a spaghetti dinner made by an Italian woman. I might really have a hard time if she makes her meatballs. I love real Italian meatballs! Although, I should be okay after we pray. I trust that God will help me through this and give me something to celebrate (as Dianna says).

Well, Dianna (and Jane if you are by chance reading this), I will see you tonight.

Almost doesn't count

I have been doing so much better. I am impressed with myself. Except for last night. I was doing so well for so long, and then the devil got into my head and before I could even argue with him, I messed up. We had our bible study group get together for pizza last night. I took a slice and a half, and gave the half to my husband when i sat down (good way to pawn your bad habits off on your husband, right?). Anyway, so only two pizza slices. That was awesome. So I was okay. I wasn't hungry and I definitely wasn't stuffed. Then the ice cream was broken out. I love forbidden chocolate so I took a small scoop in a small waffle bowl w/ a little hot fudge and some whipped cream. I was happy with myself. And then it happened. Oh it was terrible! I sneaked a pieced of pizza upstairs inside a paper towel and hid in my bedroom. What is wrong with me? I am like some sort of food addict. But you know what i didn't do last night? Of course you do. Pray. I prayed for my meal but not about me eating my meal and about the whole night. Well, I'll try again today when my boss takes me out to the Sole Proprietor. And then tomorrow for the spaghetti dinner, and then whatever else takes place during this crazy holiday season. If I can get through this, it should be easy after this.

"You can stop Leah"

Okay, so I'm back. School is over with for about a month. So it gives me a little bit of time to focus on starting new and better habits so that I don't have to think about it when my mind is on a hundred other things. I have started eating better as of yesterday. I am eating portion sizes and not stuffing myself. I am not snacking just because I am bored. I am going to tell you guys just because I need you to hold me accountable. I got down to 160 this summer which was a great accomplishment, but right before I hit my "goal" I turned in the opposite direction. As of yesterday morning, I had reached 178! Can you believe that. I weighed myself this morning (for the sake of getting a starting point, and I weighed 176. So apparently, just the way I ate yesterday alone helped me to at least lose some fluid, which I know I didn't lose fat, but I know that I am on the right track. I am asking God for his support so I a confident that this will work. I am determined.

I am disgusted in myself in so many ways. I hate that all the progress I worked for this summer has all been erased. I hate that I am NOT able to control myself. I hate that I ask God to help me to be more obedient but I still insist on having "little snacks here and there" especially when I am not hungry. It will work this time and I know it. And Dianna, I am at that point now where I don't like my face again. What a terrible feeling. I know that it is also important to look good for your husband, no matter what he says. I hate that my rings are getting too tight on me. I hate that my shirts are getting too short or too tight. I just hate it all. I am at that point where I need to take control of my bad habits.

I keep thinking back to the church birthday party on Friday when I was hanging around the chocolate fountain and Tony said to me, "You can stop Leah" and I didn't so he tried to box me away from the table. Then I just joked with him and said, "Don't worry, I'll put it on my blog". (See Tony I told you I would :) I feel like such a big pooh head. He was trying to help me, I just still fought it. I don't want to fight it anymore. Please help me if you see me doing something silly. I know it is all about what I want to do, but if you feel compelled to do so, then please step in and say something to me. Also, Jane and Dianna, if we could on Friday possibly get together and pray about our night before the food comes out that would be great. I would really appreciate that.

I still seem to be hungry a lot, but I think its because my belly is stretched. I will try to fight the urge for a little while and continue to pray about it until my belly shrinks. Also, what I decided to do, as a strategy for when I go out to eat, is order something that would make a good leftover. My biggest problem with stuffing myself is that I hate wasting food. This way, I know I can have it later as a meal, I don't have to cook, and best of all, I never wasted anything. Other things I have thought of is dishing myself amounts of food at a time that way I don't feel compelled to eat it all. I can always go back and get more. And if there isn't any and I am still hungry, apples always work. Thats another thing. I need to pick up lots of fruit. Fruit really tends to fill me up so it will be a good snack when I get hungry, like I was last night.

The Hungry Fish

I know I haven't posted in a while but neither has Dianna so I don't feel so bad.

Okay, so I have tried to do the whole concept of not eating when you are not hungry but I find that I am constantly hungry. I don't mean like I am just craving something. I mean I am really hungry like my stomach is just rolling around all day. I don't know whats wrong with me. I am never really hungry in the morning and I have a small bowl of cereal just to give myself the energy I need for the day. But lately I feel like I need more than that. I feel like a fish that your told not to feed too much because it doesn't know when to stop eating. I am always hungry so I have to keep eating. I could go without eating until the next meal, but it keeps me sidetracked all day because my belly hurts. I think I have a brain disorder. Some of my friends may have diagnosed me with that years ago :). All I can think of doing is pray about it and stock up on veggies so I can snack on those throughout the day.

And as far as the tardiness thing goes, I am getting better. I have been a little to late to work a couple times in the past week but thats it!

Hubby and I are doing pretty well (minus isolated moments). I catch myself a lot more and I have stopped myself from starting a lot of fights. I freaked out a bit last night cause he tried chopping his finger off at work and didn't want to go to the hospital but I think that would be normal, right? Men are really strange...

Okay so while typing this blog I have just eaten a ham and chicken sandwich and I feel like I am starving! I should go get an MRI done or something. Unless...maybe I have a tapeworm! Hmmm. Any thoughts?

Well, I gotta wrap this up and get back to work. The boss is making me drive across the world again and I still gotta finish another payroll.

Leah

Weekend Binging

Well, its the week again and its time for my more healthy and obedient personality. Don't understand it but for some reason I am good all week long and then when the weekend comes, I'm a whole other person. I eat worse, I pray less, and sometimes I even forget to read the bible because I am all off schedule. On this particular Saturday, I forgot to read the bible because as soon as we woke up, which was late because we didn't go to bed until 2am, Ricky took me out for breakfast. I didn't do bad for that. I had a veggie omelet with homefries and a couple strips of bacon. Yeah, sure, it wasn't the best meal, but I don't think I gorged myself so that was good.

Also, my relationship with my husband has drastically improved and it seems that the more submissive I am, the more he is. I know I am still not where I should be but I am trying to pick out things that I do and work on them. It is quite the concept.

I have really praying hard since last night about God helping me to control myself with the food. I have eaten much junk this weekend. Its not the fact that I eat junk, its the fact that I can't control myself. It is really starting to bother me as I start to notice it more and more. I tell myself before I go someplace that I will do good but once I'm there and the yummy stuff is there in front of my face, my belly takes over and I feel so guilty during and afterwards.

One good thing that i have finally been able to conquer is being able wake up when I set the alarm. I am happy about that. I feel like it is something that I am finally in control of. I asked God to help me with that so much. I think was one of my biggest current problems that led to so many other problems. Which leads me to something else that I have an issue with.

TARDINESS!

I am late for everything! I can't explain it. It has been like that all my life. So I am going to have to add this one to my list of goals and it needs to be resolved right away. I was spoken to a work about this again. I hate that! Anyway, gotta get back to the job. :)

Hard at Work

So this is going to be a quick post. I am really busy with all my school work and it has been a while since I last posted. As far as the food aspect goes, I'm not doing the greatest. I do good throughout the week, but I can't do good when it really counts. You know, when I get put to the test. I suppose I gave myself too many goals at once. Thats okay though. I know I will get there soon and I will not give up. As long as I continue to post these blogs, it will always stay in my head about what I need to do.

So I was a bad girl last night as many of you already know. That chocolate fountain was too much for me to resist. My favorite thing in like the whole world is strawberry and chocolate! Well, at least the fruit part of it was good. Other than that, I had a small piece of brownie. It was mostly the chocolate fountain and fruit I was gorging on the whole night. Although, I didn't stuff myself. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing.

As far as turning down responsibilities, I have turned down a couple of things. I have put off the slide show that my Pastor asked me to do until I have time. If it turns out that I don't, then oh well, what can I do? I am working on the calender project but now that I have the calenders set up in my computer, it shouldn't be a hassle to reprint them for people. The only problem will be the binding.

I have been learning to pray more often when I have problems instead of calling other people. I realized that I am gossiping more or less by calling to "vent". I still am very guilty of "venting" about a lot of things, but it has gotten better.

Its so funny because I just want to be that perfect Christian for God like right now. I expect to just wake up and change every bad habit I have. I think it has something to do with being American. We want everything now! I have to learn to have more patience.

Well, I really gotta go now. Sorry I was slacking on the posts JANE! They should pick up and be on a more consistent basis in a couple of weeks. Hopefully then it should give me more of an opportunity to focus on starting better habits. I need to make sure that once I free up some time, I don't fill it up with new responsibilities though.

Wow! This turned out to not be such a quick post after all.

The light

I first want to say thank you for the encouraging comments that I have received. I'm glad that I have friends that support me. The fact that you even take the time out to read my blogs means a lot to me.

Anyway, I was finally able to wake up at 6:00 today. I went to bed before 9pm if anyone can believe that! I GOT 10 HOURS OF SLEEP! I feel so refreshed although this office gets a bit stuffy and makes me groggy toward the end of the day. I did not exercise but I did realize that I should be waking up at 5:30 instead if I want to do that. I get up and play the keyboard to wake up so I don't fall asleep in my bible. Then I pray and read the bible. Then I have just enough time to take a shower. I played for longer than I usually do today but I think it was because I knew that I had no intentions of using my extra time to exercise. We'll see how it goes tomorrow. One step at a time.

I packed a smaller bowl of soup today than I did yesterday because when I picked it up to put it in the microwave it weighed like 4 or 5 lbs. I couldn't believe that I was putting that much food in me. And you wouldn't mind but it is like 50% egg noodles.

I got some reading done last night for my Business Law class and I hope to get caught up with that tonight. Tomorrow is my busy day. I get home from school, eat, go to piano lessons, and then go straight to bible study. Then on Thursday I should have some time to get caught up on more work. I really need to focus. Its stressing me out that I know how well I can do but I am not applying myself.

Well, that is all for today. I need to get out of work and go home so I can run to Staples and have a draft of my calender bound and get back home to do some work. Yes, thats right, I type these blogs on work time. Its okay. My boss told me to leave like 20 minutes ago but I wanted to stay and update my blog.

Thanks again to all those who continue to read my blogs. It really helps me. It also makes me feel like I have more of a responsibility to work at my goals. I hope that I can be that light on the hill. I want people to look to me as an example of a Christian. And not so I can feel better about myself. I want to help people to understand what kind of life you can have when you let God take control. When there are more of us that can be that light, there is a better chance that more unsaved people can accept the truth.

Addicted to Being Busy?

So, things weren't so great these past few days. I was thinking at first that I should just stop writing these blogs because I haven't really changed anything. Then I realized that is just Satan talking t0 me. I think that there is a reason that I started doing this. At the very least it helps me to sit down and think about the things I have been doing when I go to write these. Things need to change. The funny thing is I think I went completely away from all of my goals this weekend. I didn't do well with the eating habits, I only woke up early on Friday for the sales (which also goes against my spending goal although I did need a printer), and on top of it all, I thought up a new task for myself. I decided to fund raise for the scrap booking that I have been funding myself. I am making calenders to sell to the people in the church.

What is wrong with me? I am addicted to be busy I think. I have gotten in the habit of becoming as busy as possible so that I won't think about my terrible past. I used to do it purposely because I didn't have enough going on in the day and I would sit there and be depressed, and now I just do it subconsciously. I need to work my way out of this habit bad because it is one of my biggest problems. This problem is what leads to so many other issues. I want to get so much done all at once and I forget that I am only one person. I am not God and I cannot perform miracles. I ask anyone who knows me and catches me taking on another task that I just don't need in my life please speak up and say something to me. I was up all night making that calender. If I were all caught up on my schoolwork, it would be one thing, but I'm not. I am very, very behind. I need to get A's in the rest of my classes to even be eligible for a scholarship at Nichols next year.

Also, I want to start waking up no later than 6:00 a.m. I have been working my way there. The alarm went off at 6:30 this morning and I got up before snooze alarm went off (I always hit it in case I fall back asleep). That was good, even hardly any sleep. I want to try for 6:00 tomorrow and I don't want any excuses of why I can't walk down stairs to our mini gym and exercise. I can do it. I did it before. After hearing my about my friend Dianna's success, it just makes me want to try so much harder. She has lost 13 lbs in a couple weeks, 7 of that being in just a couple days. At first I was discouraged because I realized how bad I am doing. Thats the devil again though. Telling me I'm not good enough. I have been doing better on my spending more time with the Lord. If I just increase that a little more, I am sure that I will start doing a lot better. More of God and less of me.

And the devil attacks

Well I did pretty well yesterday. And then the nachos were brought out. So I had probably about 15 tortilla chips with salsa. I don't think it was that bad... was it? I ate cereal for breakfast, salad for lunch, and an omelet with ham for dinner. So I think that I was okay but for some reason I feel bad about it. Everyone was picking on me telling me that now I have to put that in my blog.

I am really behind on my school work. I think that the problem is that I have a hard time prioritizing. My father in-law, Rich, came over with a movie about the story of Esther (which I thought was pretty good but Hollywoodized) and instead of doing my school work, I sat and watched the movie with them.

I didn't read the bible or pray before I started my day and then got into a fight with my husband. I let the devil sneak his way in. So far my day hasn't started off so well. I always think back to a class I took at church on spiritual maturity when my friend Tony did a skit in a video about the difference of not spending time with the Lord before starting the day. So I always have tried but I know lately of have slacked in that area because of sleep deprivation, which isn't a good excuse at all. I know that if I wake up that half hour earlier, God will compensate for that little sleep that I lost and help me to feel refreshed and renewed.

I always think to myself about what a bad Christian I am and how disobedient I am. But then I look back on what I came from. And again I think of that saying, "I may not be where I want to be, but I at least I'm not where I was." I realize that little by little I work on things. I can't do it all over night. And it takes for me to mess up a thousand times before I get it right.

I will end up reading my bible later, but what good does that do for me this morning and in the meantime. I am so frustrated with myself. So, please pray for me. I am a mess. What a good example I am, huh? Well, at least I realize it and know there is something wrong.

Anyway, my brain is little cloudy so I don't really know what else to say. So, until next time my blogging buddies.

Can't do it without the Lord

Okay so I apparently need to make more changes in my life than what I originally thought. I didn't like bing eat or anything this weekend, but I definitely didn't do anything great. I haven't even exercised yet (unless you consider going up and down a flight of stairs with 50 lb bundles of wood, falling on the stairs and bleeding profusely a workout). I just get so busy with everything that I don't pray as much as I should.

Its funny, because I find myself praying that God would remind me to pray more often. I am so silly huh? I shouldn't need to be reminded to pray more. That's like saying, "God, can you like remind me to be a Christian please?" WOW! I am realizing now more than ever that I really have a problem. I do pray and I do read the bible, but that is about all I do. I need to make (I almost said find) more time to spend with the Lord and until I can do that, I will not be able to accomplish my goals. The idea here is that I need the Lord to help me through all this. "Okay, so just take me by the hand and I guess you can just do all the work for me God. Thats not a problem is it?"

Okay, so two more goals I want to add to my list:

6) Spend more time with the Lord
7) Be submissive to my husband and stop and think before I speak. Talk to the Lord if there is a problem before speaking to my husband.

I know I never touched upon anything regarding goal #7 but I'm sure I'm not alone in this boat. Marriage is one of the most difficult things. But is can be very beautiful as well. If we can just learn to be submissive with each other, things can be great.

So anyway, I guess I should talk about specifically what happened this weekend and what didn't happen. Nothing to huge. Its just that I haven't really improved anything. Friday I ate a decent size piece of lasagna at my friend's house and it was sooooooo cheesy. Then, yesterday afternoon I made pork meal with sweet potatoes and corn. I had way more than a regular portion of meat. Then later on, I forgot to eat dinner and so while I will standing and talking in the kitchen, I found myself pretty much picking at everything in sight without even realizing it right away. So then I had a salad for dinner. Today I had a fried scallop dinner for lunch and left overs of that pork meal. I had more of a portion size at least of the meat this time. But probably a little too much sweet potatoes.

So not the best weekend but certainly not the worst. I will try that whole praying thing that Christians do :) Until next time, ttyl.

Not perfect

So I did pretty well yesterday except when I got to my final exam at my tax course (after eating my healthy sandwich for dinner). They had a buffet of like the worst things ever. So I gave in and had 2 small pieces (they really were small because they cut them up for lots of people). So I did give into that temptation. Today I woke up earlier (6:30) but (and maybe this is just an excuse) my cold has come back on me and my lungs have been killing me so I decided not to exercise. So I am not quite there yet but I have to say that I am doing better. I actually had a head start though because I have been trying to work on my eating habits the past couple of weeks but then I would splurge and erase all my work. So a week from today I was 174.1 lbs. Today I stepped on the scale and I am 171.8! Now the trick is to keep doing that and not to erase all my work.

Which then brings me to Thanksgiving. I am going to tell you all right now, I am not holding back on Thanksgiving. It is the one day a year that I really care about. I'm sorry but I am not ready to give that up. So obviously I am going to need to be super good for the next week to prepare for it. I'm not to big on pies and stuff so that is good. However, I love the turkey and the potatoes and the cranberry sauce and stuffing and green bean casserole, etc. Its not like we have Thanksgiving everyday. So thats my excuse and I am sticking to it! I promise to try to be good every other day though :)

Now I just need to learn to resist the everyday temptations. And to wake up earlier and workout a few times a week. The waking up thing needs to be done everyday. And no Jane! I refuse to wake up at 4:30. Someone would need to pay me a lot of money to wake up that early in the morning!

Oh yeah, and Dianna you would be proud of me. I thought of you as I was taking on another responsibility yesterday and I changed my mind and turned it over to Misty. Yes Misty, you, the church secretary. Ha ha! No, its not that bad.

So anyway, slowly but surely I will get there. I know I can't do it over night but I am trying to at least do better than yesterday. Like they say, "I may not be where I want to be but thank God I'm not where I was yesterday."

First day

Okay so today is officially my first day of my working at my goals. I mean, I did well last night, and actually for the most part I do pretty well, but sometimes I get into those moods where I just need to keep stuffing my face even though I am not hungry. It is those time were I really need to pray. So anyway, I started out with my usually measured cup of cereal (no milk) and a cup of strawberries for breakfast. I packed a salad with turkey for lunch. Dinner time is usually the hardest for me. Its hard to limit my portion sizes when I am cooking such a large meal for everyone. I plan to make something with pork chops. I'll probably bake it and make corn and sweet potatoes. Just gotta remember that no matter how good it tastes, no matter how much is left over, I can't keep on eating.

Also, I'm going to be honest, I didn't wake up until 7:00 today which is not improvement at all. I woke up last night with my lingering cold at 4:00 and didn't get back to sleep til at least 5:00. So then I did my famous adjusting of the alarm clock again. I really have to work on that. Anyway, we'll see how it goes. Also, I'm not doing a very good job at not being too busy. I just decided to take on the responsibility of planning my family Christmas party since no one else is stepping up to the plate. It will be after I get out of school so I think that it should be okay, but I hope that I am not taking on too much. I will continue to pray about it and maybe pawn it off on my mother if it gets too hard for me. I don't know why I feel the need to do everything for everyone. Any suggestions?

Well, I'll let you know how the rest of the day has gone. And someone please leave a comment so I don't feel like I am the only one reading my blogs :)

Pre-Obedience

I am starting this blog in hopes that I will be able to set some goals for myself and actually achieve them. This idea was inspired by my good friend Dianna. We are going to do it together with hopes that others may join if they like and we can feel like we are being held more accountable to stick with our plan of being fully obedient to the Lord.

I have been struggling with my weight since my second son. I have not lost too much weight. I went on the Weighter Watchers diet earlier this year and lost 20 lbs but gained 10 of it back. Also, my friend suggested that I may have a little to much on my plate. I always have something going on and many times I feel myself overwhelmed.

So I am going to start simple and if things go well I will set higher goals for myself. My current goals are as follows:

1) Eat better (single portion sizes) and don't be tempted by unhealthy foods
2) Eat slower so I notice when I am not hungry anymore (no matter how good the food tastes)
3) Exercise at least 3 times a week for at least a half hour (cardio)
4) Be sensitive to the Lord telling me to drop a task if it is too much on me. I need to pass things to other people if it is too much and not burden myself.
5) Watch my spending better. If I have lived without for this long, I don't need it now.

Okay, that is it for now. Gotta get back to work :). I'll update on my progress.