Bad Day

I'm having a really tough time. Today is my anniversary and I am miserable. I am being attacked super hard. I have given in to all of my temptations this past week. I have not been the spending time with God as I should. I am just miserable. I need support. I have finally broken down and cried out to Jesus. I am praying to find a solution to a problem and not hearing anything. I know that what I feel about a situation is right but I don't know how to act on it. I have dealt with this problem for a long time but I don't know how work on it. I feel like everything I do is wrong. Sorry I have been posting. Thats it for now. Sorry for the vagueness. But I gotta go now.

A real attitude change

So lunch with my bosses and co-worker yesterday went pretty well. I ordered broiled haddock with squash and potatoes. Let me say, the Sole Proprietor is AWESOME! Anyway, I slowly ate my lunch and I took longer than anyone at the table. It was really hard because the haddock was falling apart and the squash and potatoes were both mashed so there wasn't much chewing I needed to do. Then I ordered cheesecake for dessert. Okay so now for the good and bad news. I finally felt my body tell me when I was done. Then I just kept eating because I didn't want to see a good (great) piece of cheesecake to go to waste. So I wasn't stuffed but I definitely over ate. I am happy however in the progress that I have made thus far.

Also, last night was my piano recital. Afterward, there was plenty of goodies. I had no urge for any of them (even the chocolate chip cookies!) but I did have a couples pieces of the veggie platter. I was very proud of myself. I then went home and had a small bowl of chicken noodle soup and one macaroon. I am very happy with the way that my attitude is changing.

Okay, so now I have another challenge tonight. I am looking forward to our prayer circle before eating because this will be a challenge for me. We are having a spaghetti dinner made by an Italian woman. I might really have a hard time if she makes her meatballs. I love real Italian meatballs! Although, I should be okay after we pray. I trust that God will help me through this and give me something to celebrate (as Dianna says).

Well, Dianna (and Jane if you are by chance reading this), I will see you tonight.

Almost doesn't count

I have been doing so much better. I am impressed with myself. Except for last night. I was doing so well for so long, and then the devil got into my head and before I could even argue with him, I messed up. We had our bible study group get together for pizza last night. I took a slice and a half, and gave the half to my husband when i sat down (good way to pawn your bad habits off on your husband, right?). Anyway, so only two pizza slices. That was awesome. So I was okay. I wasn't hungry and I definitely wasn't stuffed. Then the ice cream was broken out. I love forbidden chocolate so I took a small scoop in a small waffle bowl w/ a little hot fudge and some whipped cream. I was happy with myself. And then it happened. Oh it was terrible! I sneaked a pieced of pizza upstairs inside a paper towel and hid in my bedroom. What is wrong with me? I am like some sort of food addict. But you know what i didn't do last night? Of course you do. Pray. I prayed for my meal but not about me eating my meal and about the whole night. Well, I'll try again today when my boss takes me out to the Sole Proprietor. And then tomorrow for the spaghetti dinner, and then whatever else takes place during this crazy holiday season. If I can get through this, it should be easy after this.

"You can stop Leah"

Okay, so I'm back. School is over with for about a month. So it gives me a little bit of time to focus on starting new and better habits so that I don't have to think about it when my mind is on a hundred other things. I have started eating better as of yesterday. I am eating portion sizes and not stuffing myself. I am not snacking just because I am bored. I am going to tell you guys just because I need you to hold me accountable. I got down to 160 this summer which was a great accomplishment, but right before I hit my "goal" I turned in the opposite direction. As of yesterday morning, I had reached 178! Can you believe that. I weighed myself this morning (for the sake of getting a starting point, and I weighed 176. So apparently, just the way I ate yesterday alone helped me to at least lose some fluid, which I know I didn't lose fat, but I know that I am on the right track. I am asking God for his support so I a confident that this will work. I am determined.

I am disgusted in myself in so many ways. I hate that all the progress I worked for this summer has all been erased. I hate that I am NOT able to control myself. I hate that I ask God to help me to be more obedient but I still insist on having "little snacks here and there" especially when I am not hungry. It will work this time and I know it. And Dianna, I am at that point now where I don't like my face again. What a terrible feeling. I know that it is also important to look good for your husband, no matter what he says. I hate that my rings are getting too tight on me. I hate that my shirts are getting too short or too tight. I just hate it all. I am at that point where I need to take control of my bad habits.

I keep thinking back to the church birthday party on Friday when I was hanging around the chocolate fountain and Tony said to me, "You can stop Leah" and I didn't so he tried to box me away from the table. Then I just joked with him and said, "Don't worry, I'll put it on my blog". (See Tony I told you I would :) I feel like such a big pooh head. He was trying to help me, I just still fought it. I don't want to fight it anymore. Please help me if you see me doing something silly. I know it is all about what I want to do, but if you feel compelled to do so, then please step in and say something to me. Also, Jane and Dianna, if we could on Friday possibly get together and pray about our night before the food comes out that would be great. I would really appreciate that.

I still seem to be hungry a lot, but I think its because my belly is stretched. I will try to fight the urge for a little while and continue to pray about it until my belly shrinks. Also, what I decided to do, as a strategy for when I go out to eat, is order something that would make a good leftover. My biggest problem with stuffing myself is that I hate wasting food. This way, I know I can have it later as a meal, I don't have to cook, and best of all, I never wasted anything. Other things I have thought of is dishing myself amounts of food at a time that way I don't feel compelled to eat it all. I can always go back and get more. And if there isn't any and I am still hungry, apples always work. Thats another thing. I need to pick up lots of fruit. Fruit really tends to fill me up so it will be a good snack when I get hungry, like I was last night.

The Hungry Fish

I know I haven't posted in a while but neither has Dianna so I don't feel so bad.

Okay, so I have tried to do the whole concept of not eating when you are not hungry but I find that I am constantly hungry. I don't mean like I am just craving something. I mean I am really hungry like my stomach is just rolling around all day. I don't know whats wrong with me. I am never really hungry in the morning and I have a small bowl of cereal just to give myself the energy I need for the day. But lately I feel like I need more than that. I feel like a fish that your told not to feed too much because it doesn't know when to stop eating. I am always hungry so I have to keep eating. I could go without eating until the next meal, but it keeps me sidetracked all day because my belly hurts. I think I have a brain disorder. Some of my friends may have diagnosed me with that years ago :). All I can think of doing is pray about it and stock up on veggies so I can snack on those throughout the day.

And as far as the tardiness thing goes, I am getting better. I have been a little to late to work a couple times in the past week but thats it!

Hubby and I are doing pretty well (minus isolated moments). I catch myself a lot more and I have stopped myself from starting a lot of fights. I freaked out a bit last night cause he tried chopping his finger off at work and didn't want to go to the hospital but I think that would be normal, right? Men are really strange...

Okay so while typing this blog I have just eaten a ham and chicken sandwich and I feel like I am starving! I should go get an MRI done or something. Unless...maybe I have a tapeworm! Hmmm. Any thoughts?

Well, I gotta wrap this up and get back to work. The boss is making me drive across the world again and I still gotta finish another payroll.

Leah

Weekend Binging

Well, its the week again and its time for my more healthy and obedient personality. Don't understand it but for some reason I am good all week long and then when the weekend comes, I'm a whole other person. I eat worse, I pray less, and sometimes I even forget to read the bible because I am all off schedule. On this particular Saturday, I forgot to read the bible because as soon as we woke up, which was late because we didn't go to bed until 2am, Ricky took me out for breakfast. I didn't do bad for that. I had a veggie omelet with homefries and a couple strips of bacon. Yeah, sure, it wasn't the best meal, but I don't think I gorged myself so that was good.

Also, my relationship with my husband has drastically improved and it seems that the more submissive I am, the more he is. I know I am still not where I should be but I am trying to pick out things that I do and work on them. It is quite the concept.

I have really praying hard since last night about God helping me to control myself with the food. I have eaten much junk this weekend. Its not the fact that I eat junk, its the fact that I can't control myself. It is really starting to bother me as I start to notice it more and more. I tell myself before I go someplace that I will do good but once I'm there and the yummy stuff is there in front of my face, my belly takes over and I feel so guilty during and afterwards.

One good thing that i have finally been able to conquer is being able wake up when I set the alarm. I am happy about that. I feel like it is something that I am finally in control of. I asked God to help me with that so much. I think was one of my biggest current problems that led to so many other problems. Which leads me to something else that I have an issue with.

TARDINESS!

I am late for everything! I can't explain it. It has been like that all my life. So I am going to have to add this one to my list of goals and it needs to be resolved right away. I was spoken to a work about this again. I hate that! Anyway, gotta get back to the job. :)

Hard at Work

So this is going to be a quick post. I am really busy with all my school work and it has been a while since I last posted. As far as the food aspect goes, I'm not doing the greatest. I do good throughout the week, but I can't do good when it really counts. You know, when I get put to the test. I suppose I gave myself too many goals at once. Thats okay though. I know I will get there soon and I will not give up. As long as I continue to post these blogs, it will always stay in my head about what I need to do.

So I was a bad girl last night as many of you already know. That chocolate fountain was too much for me to resist. My favorite thing in like the whole world is strawberry and chocolate! Well, at least the fruit part of it was good. Other than that, I had a small piece of brownie. It was mostly the chocolate fountain and fruit I was gorging on the whole night. Although, I didn't stuff myself. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing.

As far as turning down responsibilities, I have turned down a couple of things. I have put off the slide show that my Pastor asked me to do until I have time. If it turns out that I don't, then oh well, what can I do? I am working on the calender project but now that I have the calenders set up in my computer, it shouldn't be a hassle to reprint them for people. The only problem will be the binding.

I have been learning to pray more often when I have problems instead of calling other people. I realized that I am gossiping more or less by calling to "vent". I still am very guilty of "venting" about a lot of things, but it has gotten better.

Its so funny because I just want to be that perfect Christian for God like right now. I expect to just wake up and change every bad habit I have. I think it has something to do with being American. We want everything now! I have to learn to have more patience.

Well, I really gotta go now. Sorry I was slacking on the posts JANE! They should pick up and be on a more consistent basis in a couple of weeks. Hopefully then it should give me more of an opportunity to focus on starting better habits. I need to make sure that once I free up some time, I don't fill it up with new responsibilities though.

Wow! This turned out to not be such a quick post after all.